The 13th October is the day, twenty three years ago when Bear and I got married. (In case you were wondering, no, it wasn't a Friday!)

My children were not sure whether or not they wanted to attend. In the end CC came to support me but Jay stayed with his dad. My parents actually came this time. (They didn't when I married Whale) and my sister was my witness. Bear's brother was his.

The only time I'd been to a Registry Office ceremony before was when my mum married my stepfather. That was a pretty downbeat  day too.

Anyway, we did the deed and came out to a grey, Autumnal day. The guests were coming back to the house - the house where Bear had lived with his first wife but he had bought her share - for a drink and a snack. We got in his car and CC came to the rear door.

"You can't come with us. Your mum belongs to me now." said Bear.

Those were the words that cut into my heart  - the only words I remember from that day and that was the beginning of the end.

Unfortunately I was so shocked I didn't react as I should have done. Looking back, how I regret not walking out there and then, telling him to get stuffed and having the strength to start again on my own.

But I was a coward, an idiot, selfish because it would have been so hard to give up on the marriage I had been hoping for ( yes I really did love him then ) - call it what you will. I took CC to our friends' car  'because they don't know where the house is and you can show them.' and then I got back into the car with him to start our life as man and 'acquisition.'

Actually, there was no question of a honeymoon as I was accompanist to a choir and they had a concert that everning, and, of course, it was back to school on Monday.

Bear managed to delay putting beds in the rooms for CC and Jay for over a fortnight but they eventually joined us.

My dreams of making a real home for the four of us were thwarted at every turn by Bear's jealousy. Although I had full custody of the children it was up to them when they wanted to visit or stay with their dad and as the years went by they chose to spend more and more time with him because they felt so unwelcome under our roof.

At the age of sixteen CC could stand it no more. Bear had read some of her comments about him in her diary and had trashed it. Despite the fact that she is claustrophobic and hated having her bedroom door shut he had put a spring on it. . . . .

She said she wanted to move to dad's and would just come for a meal once or twice a week with us. That was when the little stone in my heart got bigger and any love I had left for Bear was pretty well crushed.

Not long after Jay too moved in with his dad and I became a very part-time mum. Bear couldn't disguise his pleasure but  I did hide my heartbreak and my resentment.However it  festered and grew, finally destroying what remained of my love for him.

You may well wonder why I stuck it out for so long and why we are still 'together' and the answer is I honestly don't know.

Yes, I did leave him on quite a few occasions but without thinking it through, and with nowhere to go except to Whale's or my mum's and neither of them had room for the children and me longterm.

All I know is that I feel terribly guilty because of the effect it has had - and is still having on my son and daughter. At the same time, perhaps inexplicably, I do feel sorry for Bear. There have been good times and no-one will ever know how much his bad temperament may be due to a mental problem. He went to see a psychiatrist before he even knew me but apparently he gave up on him.

On October 6th 2002 I walked out but he begged and pleaded to come and help me look after Whale. Although I felt his tears were due more to the fact that he wanted to be looked after himself I gave in.

Despite his promises things haven't changed but he's an old man, and it shows, and his health is not so good. There's no question of  deserting him now.

That's why today I don't feel much like celebrating.