This is going to sound very petty but the first thing I remember about my fiftieth birthday was that Bear prevented the party I was hoping for.

After organising and catering for many a celebration for his 'big birthdays' I tried to arrange something for my big day that didn't involve doing most of the cooking myself. I actually got as far as enquiring about caterers but when estimates were mentioned Bear decided it was too expensive - even though a friend offered a very good deal.

So, with the help of CC and Jay we prepared a selection of curries, a coq au vin, a cheese board and desserts, bought in a supply of wine and beer and sent out fairly last minute invitations.

The children ordered a fantastic cake in the shape of a grand piano with black (!) icing as a big surprise.

It has to be said, that, despite the frantic preparations, I did have a really good time and the children still have a photo of me looking extremely merry after several brandies. (Before you ask - no, I wouldn't publish it even if I knew how!)

As you may have gathered, the marriage was not very happy. The few interests we shared no longer kept us together. He didn't want to come to any concerts I played for, either at school or with the choir I accompanied, and I had to admit that belonging to the organists' society was rather boring although I dutifully treekked along on organ crawls round draughty churches.

Then there were chartered train trips which Bear adored but it meant a very early start on a Saturday morning and several hours journey either side of a three or four hour mooch round some distant town. The return trip was inevitably delayed through breakdowns or track repairs and that left Sunday to do the washing and ironing and preparation for school on Monday.

Bear was already retired so he could stay in bed.

It was more bearable if we went with friends as we had someone to talk to plus we took a cool box full of goodies for the meal on the way home.

It has to be said, though, that  frim the age of 50 I was beginning to feel kind of trapped in the relationship with Bear. His constant efforts to pull me away from my children only served to drive a bigger wedge between the two of us.

I had long since given up trying to convince him that I had had enough love for everyone at first, but it was he, himself who had killed off the love I had for him.

Oh, this is getting depressing. Time to stop!!